Tag Archive for: resilience

Why some develop PTSD and others don’t?

How can two people experience the same traumatic event, and yet have a different response to it?

We all agree that war, for example, is horrific; and yet not everyone develops PTSD. The VA says that 11-20% of vets develop PTSD. Why is that?

In order to understand that we need to look a bit at complex trauma. As a reminder, complex trauma is a repeated event that takes place over a longer period of time, often of an invasive nature and which has an interpersonal element, and has long-term effects. The interpersonal element means that someone trustworthy, a caregiver usually is the perpetrator. In that situation, trust is first and foremost impacted. When this takes place over a longer period of time, it affects children’s ability to form a healthy attachment (white paper from Cook, Ph.D et al., 2003).

In absence of a caring adult, who is able to model emotional behavior, to respond appropriately to the child’s emotional needs, and nurture the child, the individual tends to: feel uncertainty about the reliability and predictability of the world; have problems with boundaries; show distrust and suspiciousness; isolate; they may have difficulty understanding other people’s emotional states, understand other points of view, and enlist others as allies (resource: Domains of Impairment in Children Exposed to Complex Trauma by NCTSN).

In simpler words, when in early childhood, the caregiver who is supposed to be the model of behavior and source of safety is absent or unable to help the child regulate emotionally, the child learns that the world is not safe. Therefore, as an adult, the impact of a traumatic event is more significant, with a high potential for that to result in PTSD.

On the other hand, when children feel safe, the impact of a traumatic event is not as significant. Having a support system is very important in processing the event and mitigating the impact of it. A study done on children during World War II showed that those separated from parents and sent away to be protected from German bombing were affected far more than those who stayed with their parents in bomb shelters (van der Kolk, 2014).

So why is support important? Support here refers not only to the immediate family, but also to extended family, peers, and the larger community. When the interaction with members of one’s support system are positive, when children (and adults) have role models and are able to learn healthy ways to interact and to cope with difficult situations, then their ability to replicate that increases, which leads to an increase in their resilience.

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We never know how high we are till we are called to rise

This time of the year we usually do a recap of what has happened this year, maybe our accomplishments or our dreams, etc. But this has been one heck of a year, hasn’t it?

We have all been affected by it, so in that regard, we are all in the same boat. Yes, perhaps you have heard that before. And yet, everyone has been affected differently, depending on our resources, financial, emotional, and physical. 

“We never know how high we are
Till we are called to rise;
And then, if we are true to plan,
Our statures touch the skies – “
Emily Dickinson

Even though these words were written in 1800’s, to me they never sounded more current and relevant than now. We’ve all been asked to dig deeper this year, so it’s possible to feel a bit depleted. A bit “over it“. However, if you are doing an inventory of 2020 and setting intentions for 2021, maybe consider this invitation to reflect on your “stature” this year.

We never choose to go through unpleasant experiences. If someone asked you if you wanted to grow spiritually or become stronger, or more resilient, you’d probably say, “yeah, that would be useful”. But then if you were told that you’d have to go through a situation that will test your patience, your limit, and deplete your resources in order to expand, maybe you’d say “no thanks!” 

Almost nine years ago I experienced one of the most difficult losses of my life and the circumstances made it even more difficult. I felt like I was spinning, losing control, and I remember the pain of my grief being so unbearable that one day I literally felt that I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was on the floor, in my home office, and was not able to move. At that moment, I thought that I was never going to be able to move again. 

What I didn’t realize at the time was that in that moment I was both dying and rebirthing. I had to fall to the ground, literally, in order to shed my shell and start growing. That experience wasn’t something I wished for and yet, now that I am on the other side of it, I am grateful for the lessons that it brought to me. I am not saying that I am grateful that it had to happen that way, I don’t think anyone wants to go through hardship, but I am grateful for my lessons, because without this experience and everything that I learned going through it, I would not be who I am today. 

I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could possibly be, and also that I am never alone, not even in that experience. Whatever experience you may be going through or have been going through, while it is unique to you, there’s always someone that can help or that can relate to it. So find that someone.

So now, as you are reflecting on this one-heck-of-a year, do you see how you’ve grown? How much stronger you are? How much more resilient you are? “We never know how high we are till we are called to rise;”

Thank you to everyone who has worked with me this past year, everyone who reads these notes from the heart, and I wish you all a healthy new year!

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