Tag Archive for: insecure attachment

The Need for Certainty

How do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know if I am on the right path?

Certainty. We all have this need. If you use the chakra system, it’s part of our first chakra; or if you like Maslow more, it is part of our basic needs: safety, security, the need to belong. Steiner also talks about this. Between the ages of 0 and 7 is when we learn that our world is safe and that we can depend on our caregivers. 

This has also been explored at length by the attachment theory. Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, whose work has been instrumental in developing the attachment theory says that: “An infant whose mother’s responsiveness helps him to achieve his ends develops confidence in his own ability to control what happens to him.” (Note: the quote does say ‘mother’, but it really refers to the main caregiver.)

The “ability to control what happens to him” is what we define as having a sense of agency. When that doesn’t happen, the lesson we learn is that we are not enough and that our needs don’t matter. 

As adults, in our need for certainty and safety, we try to avoid pain. We think that if we can control our environment, our every step, we are able to do that. In reality, trying to control everything not only comes from pain, but it is also causing more suffering because it keep us from finding another way, a better way to live our lives.

So we want to see the whole path ahead of us until the end, before we make a decision, to know whether it is the right thing to do. Well, even if that can be possible on paper – s.a. I go to school, I get a job, I pay my loans etc – this path is rarely a straight line. 

So, what do we do then? Do we get stuck in calculating every possible outcome? Do we get stuck because we can’t see the end result? Or do we just take one step, as uncomfortable and uncertain as it may be? 

I took the picture above one morning and it made me think that Mother Nature always has a metaphor for us. Certainty is like walking or driving in the fog: you can’t see all the way until the end of the street, but it’s always clear a step ahead of you. And as soon as you take another step, another one unfolds. 

I found this poem the other day and I think it fits this topic perfectly:

“My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future or what may happen tomorrow.

Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.

You see?

Advance step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
And then another.

You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.”

Author: Elena Mikhalkova 

That one step at a time is the sense of agency we are talking about in trauma recovery. You might not be able to control everything, but you are able to control this next step. So if you are looking for certainty, that relies in taking the first step.

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Our self-worth and the need for validation

I recently had a session with a strong woman whose soul had all the answers but still felt stuck. Maybe we can all relate to experiences like that, or one experience when we didn’t realize our self worth. Or if we did, we put it on the back burner because other needs were asking for our attention: validation, care, attention, love. And for that reason we kept going back to the person or the circumstances which hurt us. 

Self-worth is the secure grownup who says I love myself and I’m showing you my boundaries. If you want to come into my sphere, you need to respect me and my boundaries. That’s the space where we can care for each other, be true to ourselves, and share trust and affection. 

The need for validation, care, attention, love comes from the inner child whose needs were not met, who was neglected or received conditional love. In time, this child learned that they have to fight for their affection, attention, or for a kind word. That if they only did this one thing, then this other person would love them more. And these gifts of attention were so inconsistent that when they receive them, even as an adult, they devoured them like the hungry belly which doesn’t know when the next meal is going to show up. 

There’s a way for the inner child to become the secure adult and it starts with the ability to pause and notice that passing thought that says “this doesn’t feel right”! That’s the glimmer you need, that’s the inner child knowing that they were born perfect, that they are an earthly expression of the divine, and that while they are hungry and accepting the crumbs of affection right now, there might be a different way. Let’s start with “what if…” What if there was a different way? What if I ask for more? What if I love myself first? What if I am enough? 

Doing inner child work and integrating our childhood experiences open the door for the secure adult to emerge.

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