Tag Archive for: choice

The World is a Surprising Mirror of Ourselves

I was having lunch in Central London last week and when I looked around everyone seemed to be a zombie.

Not a literal one, from the movies, but like robots. They would come into the restaurant, most times by themselves, with headphones on, get their food from self-serve, pay with contactless, sit down, and start watching something on their phones, while eating. When they were done, they would clear their place, and leave. No human interaction the whole time. And this was the case for the majority of them.

I felt sad.

Mirroring Back

Since everything is a mirror of ourselves, I first asked myself: where in my life, do I feel like a robot?

That’s certainly the case when I am super busy and I don’t prioritize self care. This past month, I was away for 2 of the 4 weeks, traveling, learning, facilitating and so all the work got crammed mostly in those two weeks in between, and I lost sight of my self care.

The point is, we’re not always going to be perfect. Or not even good. But the gold is in our ability to notice our thoughts, feelings, the sensations in our body. The way we perceive and interpret the world around us is influenced by our internal state. The external world is a feedback mechanism. If we find ourselves judging others or being triggered by the same thing on the news/situations/people, it may be an opportunity to examine our own expectations, biases, or unresolved issues.

For me, seeing all these people like robots, reminded me of my corporate days, when I was a robot. Those days are behind me, but aspects of that life – the constant focus on the work and little time for personal care and development – can still show up at times, because it’s familiar behavior.

Practical Application

When that happens, it’s an opportunity for awareness and observation: What is the external world telling me about my current state and needs? What about my boundaries?

The practical application lies in examining them, then revisit our values and intentions, and consciously aligning them with our actions, recognizing the reciprocal relationship between our inner self and the reality we shape. Ultimately, the world as a mirror invites us to actively participate in the co-creation of our experiences by cultivating self-awareness and making intentional choices in our daily lives.

So if you feel like it, take a moment to pause, reflect, and ask yourself: What do the events in my life reveal about my beliefs and aspirations? How can I actively shape the reflection I wish to see in the world around me?

With each conscious choice, you contribute to your external reality and to a life that resonates with your authenticity. The world is your mirror—what reflections will you intentionally create today?

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The Need for Certainty

How do I know if I am making the right decision? How do I know if I am on the right path?

Certainty. We all have this need. If you use the chakra system, it’s part of our first chakra; or if you like Maslow more, it is part of our basic needs: safety, security, the need to belong. Steiner also talks about this. Between the ages of 0 and 7 is when we learn that our world is safe and that we can depend on our caregivers. 

This has also been explored at length by the attachment theory. Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth, whose work has been instrumental in developing the attachment theory says that: “An infant whose mother’s responsiveness helps him to achieve his ends develops confidence in his own ability to control what happens to him.” (Note: the quote does say ‘mother’, but it really refers to the main caregiver.)

The “ability to control what happens to him” is what we define as having a sense of agency. When that doesn’t happen, the lesson we learn is that we are not enough and that our needs don’t matter. 

As adults, in our need for certainty and safety, we try to avoid pain. We think that if we can control our environment, our every step, we are able to do that. In reality, trying to control everything not only comes from pain, but it is also causing more suffering because it keep us from finding another way, a better way to live our lives.

So we want to see the whole path ahead of us until the end, before we make a decision, to know whether it is the right thing to do. Well, even if that can be possible on paper – s.a. I go to school, I get a job, I pay my loans etc – this path is rarely a straight line. 

So, what do we do then? Do we get stuck in calculating every possible outcome? Do we get stuck because we can’t see the end result? Or do we just take one step, as uncomfortable and uncertain as it may be? 

I took the picture above one morning and it made me think that Mother Nature always has a metaphor for us. Certainty is like walking or driving in the fog: you can’t see all the way until the end of the street, but it’s always clear a step ahead of you. And as soon as you take another step, another one unfolds. 

I found this poem the other day and I think it fits this topic perfectly:

“My grandmother once gave me a tip:
In difficult times, move forward in small steps.
Do what you have to do, but little by little.
Don’t think about the future or what may happen tomorrow.

Wash the dishes.
Remove the dust.
Write a letter.
Make a soup.

You see?

Advance step by step.
Take a step and stop.
Rest a little.
Praise yourself.
Take another step.
And then another.

You won’t notice, but your steps will grow more and more.
And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.”

Author: Elena Mikhalkova 

That one step at a time is the sense of agency we are talking about in trauma recovery. You might not be able to control everything, but you are able to control this next step. So if you are looking for certainty, that relies in taking the first step.

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Are you looking for certainty?

Photo by Shantanu Kulkarni

Often times we hear that all we have is now. The past is in the past, the future is not yet here. And yet, trauma or not, it is hard to be in the now. Understandably so, because there are so many things vying for our time and attention. 

Also, if we are attached to an outcome or consumed by fear, we are looking for certainty, so being “in the now”, especially nowadays, can be very unsettling because we are not getting what we are looking for. 

In reality though, the only thing that is certain is the present moment. We don’t know what the future brings and we can’t connect the dots in the future; we can only do that by looking back. 

The story below is from Ram Dass. It is one of my favorite stories because it shows how the context can change and provide meaning when you look back, so all we can do is be present with what is. That’s where the certainty lies. 

It’s the same with trauma and chronic illness. We might feel like we can’t control some of the circumstances we find ourselves in. What we can control though is how we respond to the situation: by knowing that we can handle it in the “now” and not letting the moment or the situation take our power away. 

Sometimes “handling it” means we need to move, or step away from a conversation or the news. Or we ask for support. Whatever it is, we are the ones making the decision about the next step, as opposed to the situation dictating it. 

“There is a story of a farmer who had a horse that ran away.
His neighbor came by and said, “Oh, that’s terrible.”
The farmer said, “You never know.”

The next day the horse came back, and it was leading two other wild horses. The neighbor said, “That’s wonderful.”
And the farmer said, “You never know.”

Later, his son was training one of the wild horses, and while riding the wild horse, he fell off and broke his leg. The neighbor came by and said, “That’s terrible.”
The farmer said, “You never know.”

The Cossack army came through recruiting everybody, taking away all the able young men. They didn’t take the farmer’s son because he had a broken leg. The neighbor came by and said, “That’s wonderful.”
And the farmer said, “You never know.”

And so it goes.”

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Have you ever been called “sensitive”?

Connection with water.jpg

Years ago someone called me an empath. I was like “what is that?!” Back then, it wasn’t a mainstream term. Even as I am typing this, my computer still insists on automatically changing “empath” to “empathy”. All I could find at the time was that an empath was a sensitive person. OK, I had been told I was “sensitive” and “too sensitive” since I can remember…so? Then I learned that an empath was someone who could easily feel other people’s emotions. Ohhhh…

For a while, I felt special and validated that someone called me an empath. All those times when I felt bad about being called sensitive like it was a bad thing. Now look at me, I could feel someone else’s feelings, sometimes before they could even make sense of them themselves. How do you like me now? I thought. But it’s not all as glamorous as it seems to be. 

Empaths make really good teachers, nurses, therapists…you get the idea, the caregiver type. So what do caregivers usually do? They take care of everyone else, put the needs of others first, take on everyone else’s problems, sometimes to the point of burning out. 

My husband asked me the other day whether someone is born an empath. As much as I would like to give the credit to the Universe for this ability, most empaths – and I say most because I don’t like to generalize although my personal belief is that this is true for all empaths – have suffered trauma, especially childhood trauma.

When you experience trauma at a young age, your survival depends on your ability to stay safe. For that to happen you learn to recognize very quickly any sign of danger. Your brain is constantly scanning for any deviation from the baseline: a change in the caregiver’s tone of voice, how heavy the footsteps are, how fast someone is walking, what words they say or not say, any movement in their eyes or whether someone speaks or not etc. That’s how you decide how to respond to the situation in a way that ensures your safety.

Just like any other skill, after years of practice, you become really good at it. And you take this skill with you into adulthood. People will come to you to tell you their life’s story or to get advice. Also, you might draw narcissists into your life because…well, darkness cannot exist without light.

If you think or know that you are an empath, then you probably also like being close to the water. Water purifies and clears the extra energy that you carry. If you don’t live close to a beach (and let’s face it most of us don’t) then I recommend showers to release the stress and energy you don’t need. Place your hands on the ground. Walk barefoot outside. Hug a tree (c’mon it’s a thing now, no one will make fun of you!) Spend time in nature or with animals. Watch movies that make you laugh.

In a word, take care of yourself first.

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

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